friendship maintenance,
one roast at a time.
Field notes on group chats, flaky friends, gym-skippers, and the art of the affectionate callout. Long-form for people who like the format too much to keep it to themselves.
the friend who replies "haha" three days later to a plan that already happened
Marcus left your seven-paragraph text on read for 72 hours, then surfaced with "wait what happened." A prosecution of the dry texter who thinks "haha" is a full sentence.
the friend who says "WE are so tired" (babe, only one of you worked)
A love letter to the friend who skipped Galentine's for "date night," references her boyfriend's tile grout opinions, and has fully replaced her personality with a man named Trevor.
the "we should totally hang soon!!" friend who has never once picked a day
Meet Priya, who has said "we should totally hang!!" at eleven consecutive goodbyes and has never — not ONE time — proposed a date, a time, or a place. The vibes-only invitation, prosecuted.
the friend who "mhm"-ed at a reel while i told them my dad was in the hospital
a field guide to the friend who's physically present, spiritually on the for you page, and asking "sorry what'd you say" for the fourth time in nine minutes.
the friend who narrates the whole movie, then shushes YOU
a full prosecution of Devin, the human director's commentary who asks "wait what did they say" over the exact line that answers it — then has the audacity to shush the room.