the wall of bitches.

“Volunteered as designated driver, had "just one" mojito at 6:47pm, 8:52pm, and 10:15pm, then asked if anyone else could drive because he was "feeling responsible."”

“Hosted the fantasy draft, muted himself for his own picks, unmuted just in time to accuse everyone else of collusion.”

“Said "let's keep the wedding small," invited 14 people "just as a plus one exception," the seating chart now requires its own zip code.”

“Claims "I don't even really watch TV," then live-tweets the finale everyone specifically avoided her to dodge spoilers, tags the whole friend group individually.”

“Insisted on splitting the Airbnb "evenly," then took the primary suite solo, cited a "bad back" he has never mentioned in four years of knowing him.”

“Steps out for "one quick call" during every group hang, returns 45 minutes later smelling like a different bar, never explains, dares you to ask.”

“Hosted trivia night, wrote the questions, and somehow "forgot" the answer to his own tiebreaker so his team could win by default.”

“Announced she "doesn't do drama" directly before recounting, in granular detail, forty-five minutes of drama she personally started.”

“Insisted on driving to the airport, then needed "one quick errand" at the dry cleaner, missed check-in, blamed TSA for a flight she was never inside the building for.”

“Signed up for the 10k "for the medal," Ubered the last 4 miles, posted the finisher photo with a completely dry shirt and a suspiciously fresh blowout.”

“Reprogrammed the shared Alexa to only respond to 'your majesty,' then gaslit the entire apartment for two weeks that it was 'just broken.'”

“Promised to Venmo "$23.50 tonight for sure," that was March, it is now July, the request sits there like a museum piece, unpaid, untouched.”