the wall of bitches.

“Said "let's keep the wedding small," invited 14 people "just as a plus one exception," the seating chart now requires its own zip code.”

“Claims "I don't even really watch TV," then live-tweets the finale everyone specifically avoided her to dodge spoilers, tags the whole friend group individually.”

“Reprogrammed the shared Alexa to only respond to 'your majesty,' then gaslit the entire apartment for two weeks that it was 'just broken.'”

“Hosted the fantasy draft, muted himself for his own picks, unmuted just in time to accuse everyone else of collusion.”

“Steps out for "one quick call" during every group hang, returns 45 minutes later smelling like a different bar, never explains, dares you to ask.”

“Rented the karaoke room, wouldn't relinquish the mic for Bohemian Rhapsody, did BOTH voice parts himself in falsetto, out of breath by Beelzebub.”

“Venmo-requested me $6.50 for "my share" of a birthday cake. it was HER birthday. it was a Costco cake. we bought it FOR her.”

“Hijacked the best man's toast slot by claiming a 'technical issue' with his mic, then delivered eleven minutes of her own stand-up. the groom checked his watch. TWICE.”

“Volunteered as designated driver, had "just one" mojito at 6:47pm, 8:52pm, and 10:15pm, then asked if anyone else could drive because he was "feeling responsible."”

“hijacked the best man toast into a twelve-minute stand-up set about his OWN dating life. the groom's parents left. it was their table's champagne.”

“Said 'I'll venmo you back tonight' exactly 400 days ago. at 5% interest that is now technically a down payment on a car.”

“Took the office's last kombucha, left the empty bottle standing upright in the fridge facing forward so it LOOKS full from the door.”