the wall of bitches.

“hijacked the best man toast into a twelve-minute stand-up set about his OWN dating life. the groom's parents left. it was their table's champagne.”

“Told the whole gym her deadlift form is "basically perfect," dropped 135lbs from her knees for the echo, chalk cloud visible from the parking lot.”

“Split a $61 dinner bill down to the cent based on what everyone individually ate, including a $0.75 lime wedge charge to the guy who ordered water.”

“Reply-alled the entire book club to say she "skimmed the SparkNotes" and then spent ninety minutes arguing the ending was rushed.”

“Borrowed Codenames for 'one game night,' four months ago, now hosts HIS OWN game nights with it and refers to it as 'my Codenames.'”

“Brought her fermentation hobby to the potluck uninvited, insisted everyone smell the SCOBY, described it as "basically a pet," it is a jar of vinegar mold, genevieve.”

“Told the whole gym his form is actually more important than the weight, then dropped a 15lb dumbbell from waist height for the echo.”

“Keeps ONE airpod in during every conversation, nods at normal intervals, got caught mid-nod when I said his dog died. His dog is fine. He wasn't listening.”

“Said 'I'll venmo you back tonight' exactly 400 days ago. at 5% interest that is now technically a down payment on a car.”

“Claimed the shared Netflix profile temporarily in March, has since renamed it CORBIN in all caps, and reported MY profile for suspicious activity.”

“Reply-all'd the whole 40-person office thread with unsolicited crypto advice, twice in one week, after losing money on the first piece of unsolicited crypto advice.”

“Texted 'five minutes away' from a location ping that placed him, factually, still inside his own apartment building. we have the screenshot. we WILL use it.”