the wall of bitches.

“Promised to Venmo "$23.50 tonight for sure," that was March, it is now July, the request sits there like a museum piece, unpaid, untouched.”

“Texted 'five minutes away' from a location ping that placed him, factually, still inside his own apartment building. we have the screenshot. we WILL use it.”

“Started a mandatory "family newsletter," section three is titled "who hasn't called grandma," your name is in bold. You are twenty-nine years old.”

“Brought a personal ring light to the surprise party for content, then repositioned the birthday girl twice for better lighting before she even saw the room.”

“Started a fantasy trade rumor about his own team to make it look desirable, got caught, blamed a league mole.”

“Texted "omw" at 6:58pm from a rooftop bar four blocks in the wrong direction, per the story he posted at 7:04, geotagged, unashamed.”

“Brought her dog to the no-dogs picnic in a stroller, called it a service stroller, the dog barked at the cake for twenty straight minutes.”

“texted 'leaving now!!' from, we later confirmed, his own driveway. arrived 38 minutes later blaming a detour. there is one road, thaddeus.”

“Parks diagonally across two spots 'so nobody dings my door,' then dings everyone else's door backing out.”

“Left "maybe!!" on the birthday dinner, then posted a gym-mirror selfie from four blocks away at the exact reservation time. we can see the tags, brooke.”

“Pitched her protein shake MLM at brunch mid-mimosa, unprompted, then charged ME for the sample she poured into my glass without asking.”

“Reserved the treadmill with a water bottle at 6am, went home, came back at 7:40 to "finish his set," set was zero reps, water bottle had done more cardio than dax.”