the wall of bitches.

“put a greasy pizza box in the recycling, again, then sent a building-wide email about how we all need to do better. delphine. the box. it was YOURS.”

“Venmo-requested me $6.50 for "my share" of a birthday cake. it was HER birthday. it was a Costco cake. we bought it FOR her.”

“reclined his seat fully into my tray table for a five hour flight, felt me flinch, and responded with a single thumbs up. no words. just the thumb.”

“Claims "I never check my phone at dinner" then spent the entrees answering Slack under the table, thumb visibly moving, eyes doing the fake-attentive nod-and-blink combo.”

“Blocked the whole driveway 'just for five minutes,' returned ninety-four minutes later with iced coffee, acted confused about the missed calls.”

“took the entire pan of mac and cheese home from thanksgiving for the kids. fernanda does not have kids. fernanda has a FREEZER.”

“Narrated her entire breakup during hot yoga's silent savasana. The instructor had to say "and relax" directly at her. Twice.”

“Pitched her protein shake MLM at brunch mid-mimosa, unprompted, then charged ME for the sample she poured into my glass without asking.”

“Claimed severe gluten intolerance to skip the pizza order, then ate three slices of MY crust off the discard plate at 11pm "just testing something."”

“Brought a personal ring light to the surprise party for content, then repositioned the birthday girl twice for better lighting before she even saw the room.”

“Watered the neighbor's plants ONE time while they were on vacation, then invoiced them $40 for 'plant sitting services rendered.'”

“Borrowed the group's portable charger for 'one call,' three weeks ago. group chat now just a charging cable missing-persons board.”