the wall of bitches.

“Keeps ONE airpod in during every conversation, nods at normal intervals, got caught mid-nod when I said his dog died. His dog is fine. He wasn't listening.”

“Texted "leaving now!!" from inside the shower — i could hear the water — then showed up fifty minutes late blaming traffic that does not exist on a Sunday.”

“Borrowed the group's portable charger for 'one call,' three weeks ago. group chat now just a charging cable missing-persons board.”

“Unplugged the shared fridge to charge his e-bike overnight, thawed everyone's Costco meat haul, called it a learning experience for all of us.”

“Wrote 'no gifts please, your presence is enough' on the invite, then visibly recounted who brought one at the door.”

“Told the whole gym her deadlift form is "basically perfect," dropped 135lbs from her knees for the echo, chalk cloud visible from the parking lot.”

“Did the big "no no i GOT this" lunge for the check, then discovered his card "won't tap." it tapped fine at the bar twenty minutes later.”

“Narrated her entire breakup during hot yoga's silent savasana. The instructor had to say "and relax" directly at her. Twice.”

“won the fantasy league by two points against ME, screenshotted the standings, and set it as his LOCK SCREEN. it has been eleven months, otto.”

“Let his dog dig up the neighbor's entire tulip bed, called it 'instinct,' offered zero tulips in restitution, dog looked thrilled.”

“Called dibs on the good pen in the office drawer, then took it home. it has been four months. we have filed a MISSING PERSON report for that pen.”

“Hosted book club, hadn't read the book, spent the whole hour asking pointed questions to figure out the plot from OUR answers.”