the wall of bitches.

“Brought the aux for the group hike, played eleven minutes of a true crime podcast at full volume near actual wildlife, called it "setting the mood."”

“Brought a full DSLR and a ring light to a dive bar hangout, made everyone reposition for "the light," posted zero photos, deleted the group chat memory forever.”

“Talks a big game about the fantasy waiver wire all season, has never once actually claimed a player, sits in first via pure inherited luck and will not shut up about it.”

“Fired "NOT them dying 💀💀" into the group chat nine minutes after the finale dropped. i was on episode two. i had a WALL up. she chose violence.”

“Unplugged the shared fridge to charge his e-bike overnight, thawed everyone's Costco meat haul, called it a learning experience for all of us.”

“texted 'leaving now!!' from, we later confirmed, his own driveway. arrived 38 minutes later blaming a detour. there is one road, thaddeus.”

“Said I got this one at dinner, then forgot his wallet, then Venmo-requested everyone AFTER tax and tip were already split.”

“reserved the good treadmill with a towel for 45 minutes to get a smoothie. the towel outlasted his actual workout by 40 minutes.”

“Made the road-trip Spotify playlist a 'group effort,' then quietly deleted every song that wasn't hers by hour two. we noticed at the Nickelback.”

“Subscribed the entire friend group to his newsletter without asking. there is no unsubscribe link. we have checked. twice.”

“vetoed a trade in the fantasy draft as collusion the exact week it would have beaten his team. commissioner powers, deployed for PETTY reasons.”

“replied 'per my last message in the thread' to a potluck group chat about SIDE DISHES. wyatt there is no last message. you are inventing a paper trail over deviled eggs.”