the wall of bitches.

“smuggled a family-size bag of chips into the movie premiere, crinkled it through the entire runtime, and offered exactly ZERO to the row.”

“Left our wedding invite on "maybe" for four months, then RSVP'd "yes +1" the day of. the +1 was a surprise. honestly so was the yes.”

“Talks a big game about the fantasy waiver wire all season, has never once actually claimed a player, sits in first via pure inherited luck and will not shut up about it.”

“Brought her fermentation hobby to the potluck uninvited, insisted everyone smell the SCOBY, described it as "basically a pet," it is a jar of vinegar mold, genevieve.”

“Reclined his airplane seat the SECOND the wheels left the ground, then leaned forward to eat, then reclined again the second he was done.”

“posted 60 photos from the party to the group chat. zero of anyone else. sixty mirror selfies. captioned, unbelievably, 'memories'.”

“Weighed in for the fantasy league fine using a scale he brought from home that reads four pounds light, refuses to use the league's official scale, citing "trust issues."”

“Said "literally anywhere, i'm so easy" and then vetoed six restaurants in cold blood and picked the one place with a ninety-minute wait.”

“Reply-alled the entire book club to say she "skimmed the SparkNotes" and then spent ninety minutes arguing the ending was rushed.”

“Signed the whole apartment up for a 6am boot camp as a surprise team bonding thing, then slept through it himself.”

“Filmed the entire birthday toast on her phone instead of watching it happen, then never sent the video to a single person who asked. it is gone. it lives only in her camera roll purgatory.”

“texted the airbnb host a 5-star review request template before we even finished packing the car. we hadn't left. the toilet was still running.”