the wall of bitches.

“Parks diagonally across two spots 'so nobody dings my door,' then dings everyone else's door backing out.”

“Filmed the entire birthday toast on her phone instead of watching it happen, then never sent the video to a single person who asked. it is gone. it lives only in her camera roll purgatory.”

“Ran the office thermostat war for six months, finally "compromised" at a number that satisfies literally nobody, and framed it as an act of diplomacy.”

“Lit a $40 candle in the shared apartment 'for ambiance,' left for the weekend, came back to find the whole unit smelling like a Yankee Candle hostage situation.”

“Hosted book club, hadn't read the book, spent the whole hour asking pointed questions to figure out the plot from OUR answers.”

“Reclined his airplane seat the SECOND the wheels left the ground, then leaned forward to eat, then reclined again the second he was done.”

“won the fantasy league by two points against ME, screenshotted the standings, and set it as his LOCK SCREEN. it has been eleven months, otto.”

“Signed the whole apartment up for a 6am boot camp as a surprise team bonding thing, then slept through it himself.”

“Left "maybe!!" on the birthday dinner, then posted a gym-mirror selfie from four blocks away at the exact reservation time. we can see the tags, brooke.”

“Reheated salmon in the office microwave at 11am, then acted SHOCKED when hr sent the email about it. he knew. he has always known.”

“Overwatered the office ficus into an early grave, told facilities it "had bad energy," has now requested a second plant to also be near.”

“smuggled a family-size bag of chips into the movie premiere, crinkled it through the entire runtime, and offered exactly ZERO to the row.”