the wall of bitches.

“Texted "leaving now!!" from inside the shower — i could hear the water — then showed up fifty minutes late blaming traffic that does not exist on a Sunday.”

“Did the big "no no i GOT this" lunge for the check, then discovered his card "won't tap." it tapped fine at the bar twenty minutes later.”

“Set a reminder to wish me happy birthday, sent it at 11:58pm, then asked why I seemed off when it landed with one minute left.”

“Sends the group chat her Peloton leaderboard rank at 5:47am daily with a single praying-hands emoji. nobody asked. nobody will EVER ask.”

“Reply-all'd the entire office asking who ate her labeled yogurt. it was hers. she ate it. she forgot. the email is still up.”

“Said 'I'm not competitive at all lol' then argued a Catan sheep-for-wood trade for 45 straight minutes.”

“Films every set from three angles, reracks nothing, calls the bench "his office," and did four (4) reps in two hours. the office is closed, devon.”

“Said "literally anywhere, i'm so easy" and then vetoed six restaurants in cold blood and picked the one place with a ninety-minute wait.”

“Brought a light snack to share, unwrapped one string cheese, ate the whole thing solo before anyone else reached the table.”

“Said 'I'll drive!!' then split gas AND parking three ways and kept the miles on her own rewards app.”

“clacks a mechanical keyboard through every zoom call at full volume and only mutes to sneeze. we have heard every keystroke of the Q3 deck.”

“Left our wedding invite on "maybe" for four months, then RSVP'd "yes +1" the day of. the +1 was a surprise. honestly so was the yes.”