the wall of bitches.

“Volunteered to grill, disappeared for forty minutes to get the right tongs, came back to a fully cooked spread and said looks like you had it handled.”

“Said "mhm" to a Reel while i told him i got the job, then looked up and asked "wait what were we talking about." i was talking about my LIFE, tariq.”

“Brought a 'light homemade dessert' to Friendsgiving that was a Costco pie repackaged into her own dish. has not returned the original box. it has been four months.”

“Set a reminder to wish me happy birthday, sent it at 11:58pm, then asked why I seemed off when it landed with one minute left.”

“Claims "I never check my phone at dinner" then spent the entrees answering Slack under the table, thumb visibly moving, eyes doing the fake-attentive nod-and-blink combo.”

“Complained for forty minutes that her surprise promotion is "honestly so stressful" because "the corner office gets too much sun." we are so sorry, elise.”

“Brought a 'salad' to thanksgiving that was croutons and one leaf of spring mix, called it her contribution, took a full plate home.”

“Took ONE tasting class and now sends back the house pour going "it's a little closed right now." simone. it is a nine dollar pinot. it is wide open.”

“clacks a mechanical keyboard through every zoom call at full volume and only mutes to sneeze. we have heard every keystroke of the Q3 deck.”

“Brought the aux for the group hike, played eleven minutes of a true crime podcast at full volume near actual wildlife, called it "setting the mood."”

“Overwatered the office ficus into an early grave, told facilities it "had bad energy," has now requested a second plant to also be near.”

“Announced she's 'doing dry January' at every single event in February, then finished everyone else's leftover mimosas 'so they don't go to waste.'”