the wall of bitches.

“posted 60 photos from the party to the group chat. zero of anyone else. sixty mirror selfies. captioned, unbelievably, 'memories'.”

“Named her sourdough starter "brenda," texts the group updates on brenda's growth, then side-eyes anyone who declines a slice like they insulted family.”

“Grabbed the aux, played eight seconds each of eleven different songs, and then — with the whole car waiting — put on his own podcast.”

“Brought a 'light homemade dessert' to Friendsgiving that was a Costco pie repackaged into her own dish. has not returned the original box. it has been four months.”

“Borrowed my hoodie for "one cold night," returned it eleven weeks later with a mystery stain and the tag cut out like it was always his.”

“Wrote 'no gifts please, your presence is enough' on the invite, then visibly recounted who brought one at the door.”

“Called dibs on the good pen in the office drawer, then took it home. it has been four months. we have filed a MISSING PERSON report for that pen.”

“texted the airbnb host a 5-star review request template before we even finished packing the car. we hadn't left. the toilet was still running.”

“Volunteered to grill, disappeared for forty minutes to get the right tongs, came back to a fully cooked spread and said looks like you had it handled.”

“Announces "diet starts monday" every single sunday at 11pm while ordering a second tiramisu "as prep." It is week thirty-one of prep, Ines.”

“Announced she's 'doing dry January' at every single event in February, then finished everyone else's leftover mimosas 'so they don't go to waste.'”

“Asked to just split the middle on the thermostat debate, then set it to a number that satisfies no one, and called it the compromise everyone hates equally.”