the wall of bitches.

“Narrated the whole movie — "wait, is that the guy from before?" — then shushed ME. i was breathing. quietly. he was doing live commentary.”

“Announces she's vegetarian at every single dinner. the steak arrived at the table. junie's fork was already in it.”

“Left my four-paragraph text on read for three days, then replied "haha" to a plan that had already happened without him.”

“Brought a light snack to share, unwrapped one string cheese, ate the whole thing solo before anyone else reached the table.”

“Ran the office thermostat war for six months, finally "compromised" at a number that satisfies literally nobody, and framed it as an act of diplomacy.”

“Sends the group chat her Peloton leaderboard rank at 5:47am daily with a single praying-hands emoji. nobody asked. nobody will EVER ask.”

“Announces "diet starts monday" every single sunday at 11pm while ordering a second tiramisu "as prep." It is week thirty-one of prep, Ines.”

“Held the aux for a 6-hour road trip and played the same six songs on loop. we know every lyric now. against our will.”

“Still owes $14 from pizza night in April. sends a skull emoji every time it is brought up. venmo has a request button, wren, use it.”

“Reviewed my restaurant pick before we'd even sat down, out loud, to the table: three stars, ambiance carries it.”

“started a family group chat poll on the stuffing recipe, closed the poll early when he was losing, and served his mother's recipe anyway. DEMOCRACY, allegedly.”

“Showed up forty minutes late to "only stay for one," ordered nothing, and had his coat back on before my drink even landed on the table.”