the wall of bitches.

“Named her sourdough starter "brenda," texts the group updates on brenda's growth, then side-eyes anyone who declines a slice like they insulted family.”

“Borrowed my drill in March, my charger in April, and someone's phone number in May. has otherwise texted me a grand total of zero (0) times.”

“CC'd the entire team on a reply just to say noted, four separate times in one afternoon.”

“Has been "going through it" all week. the "it" is that the coffee shop discontinued his oat milk. he has now told this story to fourteen (14) people.”

“has not finished a single book club book in fourteen months but shows up with a nice cabernet and 'thoughts' about the COVER ART.”

“Took the last spot in the lot, then stood in the next one for 20 minutes 'saving' it for a friend who was still doing errands.”

“Borrowed my hoodie for "one cold night," returned it eleven weeks later with a mystery stain and the tag cut out like it was always his.”

“Held up the self-checkout for six minutes counting exact change out loud, coin by coin, while the line grew behind her like a geological formation.”

“Scheduled a 'quick 10 min call,' brought no agenda, ran it 92 minutes, ended with 'okay let's circle back next week.'”

“waved our whole foursome through on hole 6, then took three practice swings and a stretch before actually hitting. sir it is a PAR 3.”

“raised and lowered his standing desk FOUR times during the one silent meeting of the quarter, motor whirring, for his back.”

“Posted 40 photos of a single 5k to the group chat captioned 'not for the recognition tho.' colby. it is for the recognition.”