the wall of bitches.

“reserved the good treadmill with a towel for 45 minutes to get a smoothie. the towel outlasted his actual workout by 40 minutes.”

“Split a $61 dinner bill down to the cent based on what everyone individually ate, including a $0.75 lime wedge charge to the guy who ordered water.”

“Blocked the whole driveway 'just for five minutes,' returned ninety-four minutes later with iced coffee, acted confused about the missed calls.”

“RSVP'd yes to Friendsgiving, brought a single bag of store rolls, took home two full pies "for the road," the road being her apartment four blocks away.”

“Asked to split an Uber evenly, rode nine minutes past my stop to her place, and Venmo-requested me for the FULL fare rounded up.”

“vetoed a trade in the fantasy draft as collusion the exact week it would have beaten his team. commissioner powers, deployed for PETTY reasons.”

“Reheated salmon in the office microwave at 11am, then acted SHOCKED when hr sent the email about it. he knew. he has always known.”

“Reply-all'd the whole 40-person office thread with unsolicited crypto advice, twice in one week, after losing money on the first piece of unsolicited crypto advice.”

“Said I got this one at dinner, then forgot his wallet, then Venmo-requested everyone AFTER tax and tip were already split.”

“Grabbed the aux, played eight seconds each of eleven different songs, and then — with the whole car waiting — put on his own podcast.”

“replied 'per my last message in the thread' to a potluck group chat about SIDE DISHES. wyatt there is no last message. you are inventing a paper trail over deviled eggs.”

“Started a 'no gifts, just your presence' group birthday policy, then visibly scanned the gift table at the door counting who complied.”