the wall of bitches.

“Promised to Venmo "$23.50 tonight for sure," that was March, it is now July, the request sits there like a museum piece, unpaid, untouched.”

“Hijacked the best man's toast slot by claiming a 'technical issue' with his mic, then delivered eleven minutes of her own stand-up. the groom checked his watch. TWICE.”

“Reserved the treadmill with a water bottle at 6am, went home, came back at 7:40 to "finish his set," set was zero reps, water bottle had done more cardio than dax.”

“Demanded one quick stop before the concert, the stop was a separate concert he wanted to see the last two songs of, we missed the entire opener.”

“Called ahead to 'pre-order for the table so we save time,' then ordered himself the $58 surf and turf and everyone else the $16 pasta special.”

“Texted "omw" at 6:58pm from a rooftop bar four blocks in the wrong direction, per the story he posted at 7:04, geotagged, unashamed.”

“Rented the karaoke room, wouldn't relinquish the mic for Bohemian Rhapsody, did BOTH voice parts himself in falsetto, out of breath by Beelzebub.”

“Ordered for the entire table without asking, got three allergies wrong, then said "more for me" when the mistake plates came back untouched.”

“Corrects everyone's grammar in the group chat with the little red squiggle emoji, including a typo in a text that said her dad was in the hospital.”

“Took the office's last kombucha, left the empty bottle standing upright in the fridge facing forward so it LOOKS full from the door.”

“RSVP'd yes to Friendsgiving, brought a single bag of store rolls, took home two full pies "for the road," the road being her apartment four blocks away.”

“Started a mandatory "family newsletter," section three is titled "who hasn't called grandma," your name is in bold. You are twenty-nine years old.”