friendship maintenance,
one roast at a time.
Field notes on group chats, flaky friends, gym-skippers, and the art of the affectionate callout. Long-form for people who like the format too much to keep it to themselves.
the friend who shows up 40 minutes late just to leave
meet Priya, who RSVP'd "i can only stay for one," arrived 7:41 for a 7pm, ordered nothing, and was zipping her coat before your drink hit the table. a prosecution.
the friend who resurfaces every five months to borrow a drill
a field guide to the human tumbleweed who ghosts for a season, then reappears with "heyyy!! quick q." you are not a friend to them. you are a hardware store with feelings.
your friend set the ac to 78°f and we need to talk about it
Summer is here and so is the thermostat villain — the friend who controls the climate and refuses all negotiation. A field guide to the four types and what you can actually do.
the friend who'll "bring something small" to your memorial day cookout
Your annual cookout has twelve guests, one grill, and that one friend who texted "I'll bring something small." Spoiler: it's a 7-oz bag of store-brand chips. A field guide to the most confident under-contributor in your friend group.
Why roasting your friends is the love language of 2026
Affectionate roasting isn't being mean — it's signaling that the relationship is safe. A defense of the love language nobody admits to.