friendship maintenance,
one roast at a time.
Field notes on group chats, flaky friends, gym-skippers, and the art of the affectionate callout. Long-form for people who like the format too much to keep it to themselves.
the friend who skips your song eight seconds in
Marcus grabbed the aux at 8:04pm and has not surrendered it since. He skipped your song before the chorus loaded to play a nine-minute deep cut nobody requested. A prosecution.
the friend who lunges for the check and then can't find their wallet
meet marco, who performs an entire off-broadway production of generosity every single time the bill arrives — and then his card mysteriously "isn't going through." again.
the friend who screenshots your unhinged text and pastes it into a DIFFERENT chat
You said one deranged thing at 1am in a chat you trusted. Marisol cropped it, captioned it "look what they said," and dropped it into a group where you cannot defend yourself. A prosecution.
the friend who leaves "maybe 🤔" on a wedding and asks "wait where are we going"
a full forensic breakdown of the chronic non-RSVPer who commits to nothing, replies to the poll the night of, and shows up to the plans she never confirmed asking for the address.
the friend who venmos you $4.17 for fries you "shared"
Meet Reid, who brought a calculator to a Tuesday dinner and requested $4.17 for fries with the memo "your portion incl. tax + tip." A field guide to the human abacus in your friend group.